[.wintermute.]

A strange thing happened yesterday. I left the office and then I found myself standing in front of an opened window. I can't remember the way home. I can't remember which bus I took or was I walking the whole way. No idea. And I felt this strange voice or a thought, I'd better say, forcing me to jump. Luckily I came back to the reality before doing anything stupid, I guess this was because of a default instinct of self-preservation. Anyway, I was so shocked I couldn't understand what was going on. I felt no anger, no sadness, nothing. I'd say I was okay and stable, so what the hell happened? Too many questions I have. I can't think of a reason for such thing to happen. I offended M the other day with my behavior, and had a small conversation during the day. Could that be the overwhelming feeling of guilt that I have? It became bigger since then of course, so maybe it overweighted everything good and logical? I don't know what was it. Thanks to T that I'm alive.
I'm still trying to figure this out, violently going through possibilities, checking them one by one, trying to lock this all away at the same time.
Please.. Just don't lose it.. Just don't..